Author: Matt Gilbert

....At 5: Leprosy

With its third world tendencies and easy shedding of limb-age, this disease makes it into the top five not merely on its horrific insect type name, but on its relaxed aesthetic qualities. There is no need for makeup when you're a hideous leper, there isn't even a need for mirrors. Your only main concern is to somehow pick up that BLOODY RINGING PHONE when you've got no arms!

....At 4: Anorexia Nervosa

Anorexia is a little something for the ladies, and with its cousin Bulemia, you can have hours of fun eating and throwing up until the lining of your stomach has passed between lips and teeth and into that toilets hollow bowel. Many celebrities with no obvious talents use this disease to gain overt publicity, and you can too with the steady diet of a lettuce leaf a day. If not why not just die of starvation. At least your parents know your corpse died trying!

....At 3: Alzheimers

Who? How? When? I love you, but what's your name? With this brain fart you can be asking these questions hourly to your frustrated relatives too. You can even soil your pants and claim no responsibility! Then as the carers take you into that home, you can rest and forget your past just like your family has forgotten you; left to stew in that rusty wheelchair and tasty excrement. Joy!

....At 2: ME

This disease is generally used as an excuse to avoid the constant rigours of chore like activities and the achey snake like tongue of a pig looking girl called Sara, who thinks i left a melon to rot in the fridge. I didn't. Piggy. It is also the disease most like to effect the student and the unemployed.

....And at 1: OCD

On edge? Need to turn the light on and off 334 times before you can leave the house? can't decided whether it was an even or odd number of times you've locked the door - the consequence being your brothers life? Need to miss the carpet with bare feet? This probably means you have OCD, the most humorous disease, and hence becoming todays number one. Why not introduce another obstacle for your life by telling yourself that plug sockets emit eletricity even when they are switched off! Watch your friends shudder in amazement as you try and rewire your house with string, live by candle light and never ever find the delights of sleep again for fear of house fire....