No?

Mcluskyism rule 1
("Rock and Roll's Just A Ring On Your Finger"): Never take things too seriously.

If you're ignorant then let me explain: Mclusky were a three piece rock band who built pretty, fluffy pop nuggets and then dipped them into cans of lead paint (I'm obviously talking figuratively here - trying to describe the quality of their tunes without just resorting to the bare: they wrote a bunch of catchy songs and played them with loads of distortion - large lashings of bass and drums - and lots and lots of scream/singing). Spiky punk rock for people that normally didn't listen to that kind of thing because it’s normally dull, drab and po-faced. Not so Mclusky. They were fun. They were funny. And then in early 2005 they split. And - lo - the world was a poorer place. (Although it did give more credence to my crazy theory that they're the 21st century Pixies: neglected in their own time - I'm sure they're going to triumphantly return in a decade hence and play worldwide sell-out shows. Probably.)

Mcluskyism rule 2
("It used to be fun to be wanted by robots and alien life-forms on your way to the toilets - But now it's like chasing a fish!"): Never be afraid to not make any (obvious) sense.

So. Why should you bother to listen to this band? Well. Their main selling point to the uninitiated were their songs titles ("Lightsaber Cocksucking Blues", "Your Children Are Waiting For You To Die" and - my personal favourite - "Dave, Stop Killing Prostitutes") but as any fool knows - song titles will only take you so far. They were also equipped with some of the finest non-sequiturs around ("I'm fearful, I'm fearful, I'm fearful of flying - AND FLYING IS FEARFUL OF ME!") and - damnit - (the main thing) they wrote loads and loads of tunes with melodies that wrap round the ear like barbed wire. The male G-Spot is somewhere up the bum and Mclusky knew that - although probing for it may hurt - in the end the pleasure will outstrip the pain (again - I'm pretty sure I'm speaking figuratively. Not so sure what I’m trying to say thou). Added on top of that is Andy Falkous (main singing/screaming person) and his gorgeously expressive voice (check his skilled pronunciation of "Have you seen me monkey?"). Although it must be said that when you hear him crooning for the first time there is much cringing/feeling sorry on his behalf/thinking up sarky comments about how he could do with some sort of proper singing lessons - after a while of it - the bugger manages to set up some sort of pulley system from his mouth right to your heart and so every time he moves his gob it starts tugging and you end up thinking to yourself: "Why can't EVERYONE sing like this??" I understand that this is how Smiths fans must feel. But, whatever. All I'm trying to say is that - dude's got style. And you should check these guys out because – in spite of any times they may have fluffed things (see: small bits of The B-Sides and C-Sides) – they were masters of their chosen art of banging out tasty slices of indie/punk/rock/pop. The complete package.

In the interests of comprehension I should at this point mention that there is a smaller version of Mcluskyism out there. Just the single disc - A-Sides only. But I can't understand the appeal of it. Then again I've never understood the practice of 'Best-Of's (this is probably due to some misplaced confidence in the album format). If you've never heard of a band and want to get into them then you should buy a 'proper' album - singles collection miss the point - they're less than the sum of their parts - like pointless clip shows (you know - the ones that The Simpson or Friends or all the time. "Do you remember that time...?" etc.). Anyway, although I actually haven't got round to listening to actual the A-Side disc all the songs are in at beyond any real criticism. As I’ve already said Mclusky knew how to administer spinal taps with a simple, well placed guitar line and the right taps on the drum. And despite how much it feels like cheating - the A-Side Disc is the best of the best. Special mentions here must go to 'There Ain't No Fool In Ferguson' and the other (better) version of '1986 and All That.' Not to forget everybody’s favorite: 'To Hell With Good Intentions'. (See: live tracks on disc three). I actually can't be bothered to try and describe it (will "it’s the aural equivalent of a raising a middle finger the size of a SUV up to the world" do for now?) - but if you want to know what Mclusky are all about then - you know - download it or something. Even people immune to Mclusky fever give it thumbs up. Fact.

Mcluskyism rule 4
("We've got more songs than a song convention"): Nothing exceeds like excess.

Ah. The other two discs. If you're already a Mclusky fan then they're what it’s really all about: an obscene amount of tracks (44 if you must know) that make up for all the singles that I could never be bothered (afford) to buy. Of course there's lots of bum tracks (as Falkous would have it: "SO MUCH WEAKER THAN THE OTHER BOYS"). But there's lots more that bounce the other way: 'Balbos theme' ("Your heart sits too close to the window") is a cheeky little early Mclusky mini-epic. Its sounds as cheap as chips - but its great if you just squint your ears just a bit when they step on the distortion pedal. 'Provincial Song' is something a bit different from their typical offerings. Sounding like it was made with a broken Casio it is best described as Mclusky White Boy Dirty Hip-Hop/Grime (which really doesn’t do it justice to how great it is to bop your head to). 'Hymn For New Cars' gets a special gold star for being so minimal and so understated whilst at the same feeling so expansive. That simple refrain at the end ("She... bends") makes me think of a really good thriller where the hero is about to discover he's on the wrong side of a horrible form of comeuppance. And then there's 'Be Average To Each Other'. Tender, kind Mclusky and as closest as they get to being heartfelt. That - and any song which starts with a simple "No shit" can't really fail. And of course there are lots and lots of great sing-a-long Mclusky moments: "Take care this Christmas! Take care this Christmas!" "Three plus three plus three to the power of me!" and "I'll forgive my kidnappers if you will -

The only thing they took from us was time (and fifty thousand pound sterling)." On top of all that goodness and tacked on to the end of the C-Sides is a live recording from their last ever gig. Its lots of fun for two main reasons: First. Its great to hear proper full-on versions of songs you've already memorised. The thing to keep in mind thou is that the spirit - as opposed to the technical precision - is the main thing. (there's lots of points of willful 'I don't care if I wrote lyrics before' screaming and over the top 'I am deliberately trying to make myself go hoarse' screeching. Quote: "AHAHAHAHGAAAAHHGG!"). And two. The rant at the end of Track 17. A beautiful thing. Like an aria from an opera. Or the oration of an American President. Slaying all hecklers before it. (Even if the vocal tics are blatantly lifted from one too many Bill Hicks tapes (check the expert pronunciation of "you fuck."))

Mcluskyism rule 5
("You've got a mouth - got a wonderful mouth"): Say what you think.

In some sort of conclusion then, Mclusky were not 'serious' like other bands. They didn't believe that if only Hitler had listened to Bob Marley then maybe the world would be a prettier place to live in. But they did understand the emotional impact that a three piece could wreck with the right twist and shouted out piece of nonsense. It is a form of evil how underrated and unknown they were when they were still going (I’m going to resist the urge to lay into the usual music industry culprits – I’m sure you all already know who they are). And I’m gonna say that if you’re looking for sonic experimentation or something a bit avant-garde then Mclusky are not where you’re going to find it. But they do have tunes filled to the brim with deadly hooks… If you already understand then you should own Mcluskyism already. If you are one of the silly ones then I reckon you would be better off starting off with one of their albums ('My Pain And Sadness Is More Sad and Painful Than Yours' or 'Mclusky Does Dallas'). Just always remember: their band was better than your band. Sing it.

Man – what a corny way to finish off.