I used to think five string basses were the ultimate crime against music: they look shit, they’re ridiculous, and they’re the musical equivalent of Michael Jackson’s face - very ugly and very wrong. Also, they are normally used by some of the worse local bands, or faux-heavy bands imaginable. Sometimes, even by faux-heavy local bands that should only be allowed to play gigs during power cuts.

However, there is now a new number one crime against music: the re-release of singles…You should be cringing already. All the cool bands are doing it. I can’t believe they get away with it - all it does is suck more money from lazy music buyers and Radio 1 listeners, even when the track they’re re-releasing was probably the one that made the band ‘famous’ in the first place (see also The Killers, Kasabian, Jet). Half the time they can’t even be bothered to make a new video (again, see The Killers, Jet), change the song to make it more ‘radio friendly’ (see The Futureheads, Damien Rice), or even don’t bother with new b-sides or formats for the older, more dedicated fans (Damien Rice’s ‘Cannonball’ was released about 4 times! Indie my ass…).

It’s basically the ultimate slap in the face for the fans. However, the worst reason for re-releasing a single is to capitalise on its use in an advert. Yuk, I feel dirty just thinking about it. I’m with Bill Hicks; anyone who appears or is used in an advert should be struck off the artistic roll call forever. Not that this seems to be an issue for Caesars, or their record company: both are obviously happy to whore themselves for money at the expense of integrity.

This release of ‘Jerk it Out’ is it’s third, and it sounds just as awful as the first time. I probably wouldn’t have minded as much if it was a good song, but this sounds like music the Dandy Warhols (who, despite also selling their souls to the advertising world, did write some quality tracks, you just have to listen to them whilst holding your nose and make sure to wash you hands afterwards) would make if they had no talent or imagination WHATSOEVER. I mean come on! Is that the furthest people are willing to go for new music? A fucking Ipod advert?! It’s not someone with taste picking the songs here, it’s some business turd in a suit, trying to pick the catchiest song to make more money with, even if that song is the most vile piece of crap ever. If that is the case, and that’s as far as you’re willing to go for music, then do us all a favour and don’t - save your £2 and buy yourself a bottle of WKD or Mad Dog or something! Whatever! Just don’t pollute the music world with your shit taste and ignorance!

For those of use who actually care about and have some respect for music, there is hope, even if it is in the short term. Anyone remember Steriogram? I didn’t think so…

Ali Safavi