I’ve always thought I’d make a great music lawyer - it’d be a great job. I’d specialise in listening to all the new music being released, spot the bands that are evidently breaking copyright laws, and represent the original band in court. Just think, Iggy Pop and the Stooges would have a made quite a bit from Jet (and then later on, the Faders, I’m not sure how either got away with it, Jet might as well have called their track ‘Lust for girls, booze and undeserved fame, please let the NME suck our cocks, ain’t this the Life?’ instead). The Jam could have made a small fortune from The Libertines, The Unstrung, The Paddingtons etc, etc (maybe then we wouldn’t have to put up with any more rubbish Paul Weller cover albums either). Franz Ferdinand could have stopped The Rakes before they’d even started, and bands such as Black Flag and The Refused could have a field day with almost any American punk band of their choosing.

I, personally, would feel much cleaner than most lawyers, as I would be ridding the world of so many unoriginal, no-talent, worthless groups. For a small fee, of course.

First up on my list would have to be the Kaiser Chiefs - a band so shamelessly pillaging Blur I keep expecting them to turn up on that MTV show where you can have surgery to look exactly like your idol. God, if you’re going to copy a band down to the last note then have some taste! “Everyday I Love You Less & Less” will be loved by scenesters and suicidal business people alike, most of whom are hailing the return of the 1980’s Britpop era, which was about as much fun as poring sulphuric acid into your own ear and head banging, but much more painful. If, as their lead singer claims, his parents and girlfriend love him, then its safe to assume that they either haven’t heard his band’s spew, are deaf, are blind, or, more likely, all three. He must, however, be praised for having a face more punchable than Nick Gatfield’s (Island/Universal head wanker, a man so annoying there’s now a crack on my TV screen were his face once appeared), a great achievement in itself.

I give this band till August.

Ali Safavi