 Fuck taxes. Fuck immigration. The only issues I care about in the upcoming election are the parties’ policies on boring music. It’s an important issue - there’s so much of it out there, and Britain’s valuable resources are wasted on creating the type of music even hotel lobbies wouldn’t use for fear that the plants would fall asleep. It’s sending a nation into a lull, and if we were attacked, most people will have been too affected to react quickly enough (some of us, though, would probably just light up and laugh).
If it were up to me (which it isn’t unfortunately, I did want to get into politics at one point, but I had difficulty quelling my overwhelming urge to tell the truth…) all music, irrespective of genre, would have to go through a screening process whereby bands must play their songs to newborn babies in a hospital. If the kids become silent and/or fall asleep, the band’s instruments must be confiscated from them and an injunction would be taken out against all members of the band saying that they must keep a distance of 1000m from music at all times. The rule would be accompanied by the tagline, “If their ears don’t bleed, there’s no need”. This would hopefully end the careers of Dido, Keane, Zero 7, Alan Jackson and Il Divo.
Under these new laws, Feeder would serve a life sentence for their crimes. Their new single, ‘Feeling the Moment’, is so utterly pointless and non-existent you’d be forgiven for thinking your CD player has given up all hope and just turned itself off. This is music aimed at the type of 15 year old girl for whom Placebo are too challenging, and has to build up the courage to put on a Foo Fighters album. God knows what they would do if they heard Hey Colossus! The only thing that doesn’t make this the musical equivalent of Chinese water torture are the irritating “Woo-oo’s” spread throughout the track, serving only to remind you that the song is still playing , even when you’re trying to ignore it. It’s probably also the shocked sound I would make if I ever found out how much Grant’s hairdo cost! I can take a guess though…just think, for that same amount a family in Africa could have their hair permed for a year!
It’s stuff like ‘Feeling the Moment’ that makes you realise how boring Feeder have been all along. Avoid. Oh and just in case any of you are wondering who I’ll be voting for in the election, (remembering that all politicians are liars and murderers and that I cant write ‘Cocksuckers’ all over my ballot sheet) I’ll be going for the lesser of the three evils and voting Lib Dem. Mainly because they don’t want to make us all carry ID cards around like branded cattle.
Ali Safavi |
| Coding: Darren Burrows